Sexual Addiction

Sexual Addiction

Sexual addiction or sexual compulsivity is indicated when individuals engage in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior, acting out in spite of negative consequences to self and others. Addictive sexual behaviors may include compulsive masturbation, consistent use of pornography, unsafe sex, multiple affairs, sexual anorexia, multiple or anonymous partners, telephone or cybersex, sexual massage, escorts, or prostitution. Consequences usually develop emotionally and physically, in relationships, and in social, legal, and financial areas of life. Sexual addiction can affect both males and females.

The article below may provide some insight about women dealing with sexual addiction.

Controlled By Desire
By Carol J. Ross, MA, CADAC
Published In February 1998 Issue of
Professional Counselor Magazine

Judy always felt different. Much like her childhood friends, men would be pleased and amazed by her sexual desires, but they would quickly leave her, physically or emotionally. Judy blamed the men. They simply couldn't handle her unquenchable desires. They couldn't keep up with her. They used her. She also blamed herself. If she just kept trying harder to intrigue and please men sexually, she thought, eventually she would find the right mate—one as "sexually mature" as herself.

After finding that mate, her fantasy life with her husband soon crumbled into terror at his rage and his physical brutality toward her. Her depression, suicidal plans, and an uncharacteristic lack of sexual desire began to overshadow her life.

In therapy, she talked about her perfect family—perfect, except for her. She divulged that when she was 5 years old and asked her father where babies come from, he gave her a detailed description of sex. She talked of hearing her parents' arguments about sex and infidelity. She talked of her mother's rages and physical abuse. While she couldn't remember any overt sexual abuse, she did remember "playing this game with an older girl." It soon became obvious that Judy was talking about having been molested by a 12-year-old girl. She blamed her 6-year-old self. The concept of being molested was unfathomable to her. She recalled the sex play as an enjoyable, exciting, naughty experience, and, therefore, her own fault. To add to her shame, she repeated the scenario with her friends to show them what she had learned.

So began a self-image that fueled her sexual compulsivity into her 30s. Like many other sexually addicted women, Judy had sought professional help before. Her sexual compulsivity was never addressed. In one case, her therapist did not believe the stories of her sexual relationships.

Sexual Addiction Victims

Sexual addiction is commonly overlooked in clinical assessments of women. History seems to be repeating itself—society once believed women could not be alcoholics. Both men and women in our culture are taught that women are nurturers who specialize in loving, but are not as interested in sex as are men. For this reason, a woman's sexual behaviors often become victim- based as she learns to fulfill her sexual needs through demure, coy, or subtle seduction. Women tend to influence others in these indirect ways.

The same socialization and expectation add to the extraordinary shame involved for a woman to admit to being "sex addicted" or even "sex-and-love addicted." The idea of being "love addicted" is preferred by most sex-addicted women because it fits into the romantic, victim-based nurturer model of women. The term "sex addict," however, connotes an image of a "hussy, nymphomaniac, slut, or whore." The "love" to which these women say they are addicted is really an addiction to feeling overwhelmed by emotions such as yearning, or the "high" of romance—it has little to do with love. For the purposes of this article, the term "sex addict" refers to both sex addiction and sex-and-love addiction.

A clear view of the symptoms of sexual addiction is difficult to obtain through the veil intricately woven by the language of romance and understanding. Most simply, one is looking for the same symptoms as in any addiction—obsessive thought and unsuccessful attempts to control or limit use despite negative consequences. Attempts to control or limit a sexual addiction can look like marrying or divorcing in an attempt to control sexual fantasies and/or behaviors; the inception of a new relationship, started to divert the addict from the sexual problems of a current or previous relationship; or swearing off relationships, only to give into the next persistent lover.

Other attempts involve broken promises made to self or others to stop abusive fantasy, compulsive masturbation or other sexual behaviors, switching to caretaking of others, workaholism, overeating, over-indulging in romance novels, or other mood-altering behaviors or substances to take the place of a sexual relationship.

Negative consequences might include unplanned pregnancies, abortions, sexually transmitted diseases, terror resulting from unprotected sex, or shame about behaviors that conflict with individual values. Additional red flags are tension or decreased productivity at work due to sexual behaviors with co-workers, complications or dramas due to secret relationships, depression or despair about inability to change sexual patterns, or violence in relationships. Other consequential problems may include unhealthy weight gains and losses, chemical addiction or other behavioral addictions aimed at medicating feelings associated with sexual behaviors or relationships, diverting from the therapeutic process by beginning a relationship, or sexual occupation or avocation such as stripping, exotic dancing, phone sex, or cybersex.

Obsessive Thoughts

With many women who are addicted to sex, obsessive thought begins with planning how to attract a sexual partner. For example, Sandy spends inordinate amounts of time envisioning or fantasizing about attracting a partner. Her rituals include hours of shopping for seductive outfits, putting together outfits from her closet, meticulous bathing and shaving in anticipation of being sexual, cleaning her house and preparing coffee for the morning after, and even excluding thoughts of other matters, such as her bills or her child's school problems. Her patterns of obsessive thought circle around trying to judge, interpret, and analyze any responses to her, then carefully planning a reaction to the perceived responses. From an external view, these behaviors are all very much within the societal norms of female behavior. What cannot be seen by society or by the therapist, however, is the internal focus on thoughts of being sexual. Sometimes even the client herself cannot detect this obsessive focus, due to her inability to see through her own defenses.

Many sexually addicted women fantasize about sexual abuse, including being physically forced in some way to have sex, forcing someone else to have sex, or watching someone else being forced to have sex. Mary's fantasies include degradation or objectification, such as prostitution or being watched by someone while having sex. At first, these fantasies seem to portray a loss of the woman's power, but many times the arousal is associated with the power of being so irresistible or innocent that rapists, gangs, or authority figures cannot control themselves around the seductive powers of the woman.

Another common scenario is obsession with a past partner or with an ideal fantasy partner, making reality boring, if not miserable, by comparison. Many sex-addicted women talk about their obsessions with current relationships, then switching the object of the obsession to someone else when they lose interest or pleasure in the current relationship. Most women sex addicts have fantasies about both genders, often co-workers or employers. These fantasies are often accompanied by masturbation and sometimes are used while having sex with their partners.

Observable Behaviors

A mood-altering level of excitement occurs for female sex addicts in seductive behaviors involving flirting, dancing, dressing, or otherwise personally grooming to be seductive. Some have several affairs going on at the same time, while others are monogamous but need a new relationship to get out of, or deal with, the loss of the prior relationship. Seduction is the key to the addictive cycle, even in preparation for sex with self, i.e., using flirtation, pornography, or sugary foods in preparation for masturbation. Pornography is only one of the commonly used printed materials that women sex addicts use. Others are sexual stories, sex manuals, or clothing catalogs that show swim wear, underwear, or lingerie. Videos and cable television are also used to achieve the mood-altering sexual high through visual stimulation. Exhibitionism is commonly an aspect of sexually addicted behaviors in women. This is a more blatant display than the subtle seductive behaviors described above: wearing no bra; having sex in a car or other visible place; sex with self or another in front of a partner; stripping at parties; or taking or posing for nude photos. Some sex-addicted women's exhibitionism seems to stem from behaviors modeled in their families of origin, while others seem to be in direct contrast to strict, rigid family rules about nudity or sex.

When women sex addicts intrude on others' sexual boundaries, it is usually through begging or pressuring. This might involve not only pressuring a reluctant partner to have sex, but also to be sexual in a certain way, such as bondage. A more subtle form of inflicting sexuality is sexual joking in nonsexual situations, such as at work. These boundary intrusions become exploitive when they include making sexual advances to younger siblings, students, clients, and others in subordinate power positions.

Some sex-addicted women consider themselves exploitive in seeking out ethically challenged professionals, such as sexually addicted doctors or clergy. Of course, this abuse of power is reversed when a woman has sex with her physician, minister, professor, or therapist, as many sex-addicted women have. But, it is almost always seen by the woman as her use of her own power versus being used at a vulnerable time by an unethical professional. For some, it is a response to being led to believe that the professional loves her. For others, it is a conscious trade for drugs, help, or affection.

A behavior women sex addicts report having the most shame about is trading sex for money, drugs, social access, power, or other favors. Less shame is reported about trading sex for friendship, approval, or security; most mistake these for love.

Although anonymous sex is common for women sex addicts, they don't usually call it that, nor do they often identify with the term on a questionnaire. Women tend to identify more with the scenario of having sex with someone they just met at a party or a bar, rather than the label of "anonymous sex." Women who engage in this behavior often respond negatively to the term when answering questions in an assessment.

Technological advances such as computer e-mail, chat rooms, and online pornography have increased the otherwise low financial consequences incurred by sex addicts. Kim's partner believed that she had been faithful and devoted to their 13-year lesbian relationship, until she began noticing unexplained amounts of money missing. When her partner became suspicious of Kim's explanations, she found Kim's hidden credit-card bills for trips around the country. Kim had been having online relationships with men via her home computer, and even traveled to meet a few at various rendezvous. Other costs are sometimes incurred in paying for hotel rooms, meals, lingerie, personal ads, and pornography in print, on cable TV, or on videos. A few women sex addicts report paying for phone sex.

A fair amount of women sex addicts report having exchanged sex for pain. Fusing sex with pain heightens the sexual excitement for these women, whether through anal sex, hot wax, burning matches, sadism, masochism, or bondage.

For most people, having sexual relationships, fantasies, and behaviors would be normal human behavior, but for the sex addict, they cause problems. As in Judy's story, most women who are sex-addicted don't have role modeling from their mothers and/or fathers for how to have emotional intimacy on nonsexual ways. Research has shown that there is often a combination of rigidity of some kind and a lack of emotional support in the sex addict's family of origin. Also, there is a high incidence of sexual abuse (with and without touch) in the histories of women sex addicts.

In a study I conducted on female sex addicts, 78 percent were sexually abused. Not knowing how to change, they keep repeating the same basic dysfunctional behavior, with maybe a few surface differences, expecting different results. In that study, 50 percent were chemically addicted and 32 percent were eating- disordered. Because it is common for sex addicts to switch or add addictions, progression of this disease is not always evident and can have long periods of inactivity. However, without recovery it can return, or as in Judy's case, it can mutate into the opposite end of the spectrum—sexual anorexia. The 12-Step support group of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous has been the first to address this, and in some areas has special focus meetings for sexual anorexia. In these cases, although the chief behavioral characteristic is the avoidance of sex, the underlying sexual shame is still very much alive.

Recovery

Recovery begins by educating the sex addict about sex addiction, while contracting for abstinence from sexual behavior to allow a decrease in defenses and an increase of sobriety. Because in many cases the female sex addict often does not consciously plan to be sexual when she is, more women than men will tend to agree with the idea of planned abstinence. However, ingrained patterns of seduction make it more difficult for a woman to adhere to an abstinence contract than a man. She may verbalize a goal of abstinence but send loud, conflicting non-verbal messages. Specific trigger situations, with a planned set of boundaries, must be discussed to make it even possible for her to honor any kind of abstinence contract. Identifying exactly how she consciously and unconsciously uses the above behavior types to medicate her feelings needs to be a collaborative effort between therapist and the female sex addict, with alternative methods planned to address the feeling states behind each behavior. As she attends more 12-Step mutual support groups specifically for sex addiction and/or sex-and-love addiction, her awareness of both her addictive behaviors and new recovery behaviors will grow.

While therapy can help deal with the underlying feelings, a female sponsor from her Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, Sexual Recovery Anonymous, or Sexual Compulsives Anonymous meetings can help her learn how to manage periods of abstinence and how to slowly incorporate sexual behavior back into her life.

The goal is not to be forever nonsexual, but to learn how to be sexual in ways that honor her body, mind, and spirit.◊